Firstly, here is the trailer. Let's hope it loads.
Oh, look at the funny image it stopped on! Pausing at random moments can truly yield some truly hilarous sights. I mean, Jane here is just like, "Whoa, Thor, what are you doing?" And Thor is just like: *dramatically staring skywards*.
Anyway, so here is my critique. Or, rather, my random commetary, with the number of seconds provided.
0:00 The standard green screen for "Preview Approved for All Audiences". Nothing to see here, move along.
0:02 A scene of a city on a river. Based on the river and the ferris wheel I see in the background to the left, I am guessing London. (I have obviously been infected with Sherlock fever... Thanks, Amy.)
0:04 Some random birds flying out of some random building, possibly an empty random building. A minor detail to set the mood of desolation and darkness.
0:10 The truck is levitating. Why is it levitating? The boy isn't screaming and running away at the sight. The possibility that a sort of Weirdness Censor/Unusually Uninteresting Sight is going on is negated by the fact that he does seem to be aware that it is, in fact, levitating. So either he (a) is used to this sort of thing (b) is causing it to levitate or (c) is still in shock, and the running and screaming will occur presently.
0:12 Who is the little girl? A random person - an innocent bystander, thrown in for added emotional appeal and/or manipulation? Or will she be of nominal or more than nominal importance to the plot? After all, trailers are supposed to show important stuff. Then again, Trailers Always Lie.
0:18 Oh, look, Jane Foster is back. Leaves are swirling dramatically around her. Obviously, some evil thing or person is creeping up on her. Don't look back, Jane! That's when they always attack. Instead, just RUN.
0:20 I'm assuming Odin is doing the voiceover again, as he did for the beginning of Thor. What is with the random, floating, upside-down black iceberg of magical stone doing carving a chunk through what I am still assuming is London? Why do the aliens/evil elves always want to attack Earth? Seriously, what is in it for them? Some science fiction writer should have addressed this by now...
0:25 Was that Darcy? Yay for Darcy! Let's hope she gets to run over an evil elf with the van. Who's the dude standing next to her - another random guy, or a new character? *fingers crossed that a random guy will not be introduced to set up a love triangle with Jane and Thor*
...On second thoughts, my fingers are crossed so that a random guy will not be introduced to set up a love triangle with Darcy and Loki...
0:26 My biggest gripe with action hero movies: THE GLASS ALWAYS BREAKS FAR TOO EASILY, AND IT NEVER, EVER HURTS ANYONE. Seriously. Soft Glass is a trope on TVTropes for this very reason. I mean... broken glass is not to be trifled with! Can you say nasty cuts and splinters getting wedged under your skin?
0:27 Ooh, the flipping comic book effect. I always like this.
0:31 So Thor makes his dramatic appearance. Apparently, he doesn't go in for the three-point landing (landing on both feet and one hand) like Iron Man does all the time. Hmm. His costume (Thor's, that is) appears to have undergone some modifications. What are the little flap-things dangling from his belt? It looks like the metal skirt worn by Roman legionnaries. Not the connotation I would be going for in the case of a dude based off of Norse mythology. Just sayin'.
0:38 Thor is like a foot taller than Jane. Also, I would have expected her to start screaming and run towards him and squeeze him with joy or something. Maybe she's just in shock that he's suddenly appeared. Or maybe she really is mad at him for being too busy on his last trip to Earth fending off aliens and dragging his naughty little brother home to swing by and visit her. Dunno.
0:45 The Bifrost made cool marks on the pavement there. Hmm. Hard for the government to explain THAT one away. It's not like it was out in the desert where the wind will soon erase it. Poor Darcy. She looks so lost. She probably wanted to go, too. If she had, the Loki/Darcy shippers would probably be dancing with glee.
That being said, I think a reformed!Loki/Darcy pairing could have some merit. Then again, I think reformed!Loki has a lot of merit, anyway.
0:50 Big doors opening. Asgard?
0:51 Is that Sif? It's so annoying when her hair isn't gold, as it was in the mythology. It would definitely help her stand out in a crowd. And I thought Hollywood was all for differentiating between the lead characters and the minor peeps. Huh. Anyway, moving along. (This will be a long critique.)
0:53 Thor's ditched the sleeves again. Is that Jane he's helping along? It looks like Loki has been forced to go with them, if the cut of his clothes, the green sleeves, and dark hair are anything to go by.
0:56 Ominous black floating island again, with bonus evilly glowing red eyes this time.
0:99 What is Thor wearing??? What's with the cloak thing over his armor? My first thought was that he has been depowered again, but surely they wouldn't try that. It looks like what Qui-Gon Jinn wears on Tatooine in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Sorry, Thor, but I don't think that will help you blend in with the locals very well. You're still huge and blond. Don't think the evil elves look like that.
1:09 It looks like Frigga will have an epic moment, if the nice clothes and pointy blade she has here are any indication. Yay for cool moms.
1:10 Has Sif's hair somehow become curlier? I recall it being quite straight.
1:11 On the subject of hair, Thor's appears to be held back. Huh. With it getting longer and longer each movie, I guess he has to find some way to keep it out of his face.
1:15 Oh, no, the evil deformed elf sorcerer has got Jane. Oh, noes. Well, I wouldn't worry too much. (Unless another Phil Coulson gets pulled on us, which I doubt.) They'll have to kill off this guy to make room for Thanos in Avengers 2, and Captain America: The Winter Soldier already has a villain. So I'd say it's safe that this guy is going down, unless they want to keep him around as they did with Loki. Loki, however, at least has an interesting emotional arc and the fans drool over him (I am not a Hiddlestoner, thank you very much), so I can see keeping him around. But not the evil elf. Sorry, he's going to get defeated one way or another, that's for sure.
1:16 Is Jane wearing some sort of armor? Well, I guess it's for her own good. Just as long as she doesn't go from a justifiably competent intellectual to a suddenly hyper-competent action girl as she did between The Phantom Menace and The Attack of the Clones. Because, really, Padme should have been hurt at lot more than she was in Attack of the Clones. She had her back clawed by a nexu (yes, I still remember the names of the beasts in the arean: the nexu, the reek, and the acklay), she fell off a transport ship, she had to have been choking on dust and sand, not to mention stress and falling off various other things... and we can't even plead the excuse of her having been trained and accustomed to this sort of thing, as we could with the Jedi.
Reasonable action girls, please, Hollywood.
1:20 Ah, the obligatory scream of, "Nooooooo!"
1:29 WHY are they keeping Loki in a glass box? Didn't The Avengers prove that that was a bad idea??
1:31 Thor looks vaguely like Eomer from The Lord of the Rings. This is rather disturbing.
1:33 Thor is calmly threatening death to Loki. Hmm, seems their brotherly relationship has deteriorated further than I thought.
1:34 At this point, all the Hiddlestoners watching this began screaming. Me, on the other hand... I took a look at his shirt and thought three things: (1) What is he wearing? Earth clothes? Why? (2) He certainly seems to like green. (3) He looks almost normal, except for the long hair.
I don't drool too often over real people...
Also, Loki looks almost defeated. He still seems amused, so let's see if he can make a break for it or not... He seemed to be stumbling in the scene with Thor and Jane earlier. Of course, it could all be a facade.
Conclusion: Hmm, looks interesting. Better than Iron Man 3, as it seems to have more emotion and plot than explosions (I love explosions, but I love a coherent plot and coherent characterization more). Don't know if I would like to see it in theaters or not. Maybe if someone dragged me. Then I'd have an excuse. When is it coming out?
I can tell you the precise date when The Desolation of Smaug comes out, but obviously Thor is not my priority at the moment...
Thus ends this ridiculous critique!
In Pace Christi,