Saturday, August 24, 2013

Why You Should Never Have Gollum Over For Dinner

This one should be self-explanatory.

(1) He refuses to use utensils. He has nine teeth left, and he will use them and his handses if he has to, yes, precious.

(2) He will eat your pets. Dogs, cats, rabbits, birds - they're all fair game. You have been warned.

(3) He may eat you as well, if he finds the meal unsatisfactory.

(4) He may challenge you to a game of riddles. If he does, you're doomed. If you lose, he will eat you. If you win, he will then attack you and try to eat you anyway. Be sure and have an Elven sword with you or a Ring of Power to buy yourself a little time.

(5) He will run off with a bottle of your Old Winywards without so much as a 'please' or 'thank you'. Chasing him with a broom is optional, but recommended.

(6) He will most likely refuse any food you offer anyway, as it is likely to be 'burned' and thus spoiled. "Keep your nasty chips!" he will cry, pushing away all normal Hobbit foods like bread, pretzels, cherries, apples, and carrots.

(7) He will then plunder your chicken house for a nice plump hen, and take a dive in your decorative fish pond for his seafood entree. Did you think he would ever settle for food that was not raw and wriggling?

Why did you even invite him over in the first place?


In Pace Christi,


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